Saturday, August 29, 2015


It was a day like any other except with cows on bicycles instead of people. And so, since this day was no different from any other day besides that one little thing I just figured it was a coincidence. I mean, it was bound that one day cows would start riding bicycles. Today just happened to be that day. So, ignoring the bicycle riding cows I walked to my car and began loading the groceries.

On my way home I saw a cow without a bicycle.
Strange, I thought wondering why this one specific cow decided not to ride a bicycle when today was obviously the day for cows to ride bicycles. I pulled over and asked him about.
“Why aren’t you riding a bicycle?” I asked rather politely.
“Moo.” the cow exclaimed rather rudely. I was shocked. Never had I heard a cow moo as rudely as this cow just mooed.
“Sorry. What’s wrong with you?” Then the cow brought its hoof up to its face and looked ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” it said, “I’m just a little cranky today. All of the other cows are finally riding bicycles and I don’t own one.” I felt suddenly sorry for this cow. Like me, he longed to fit in with the others, but he couldn’t because he didn’t have a bike. I couldn’t because nobody liked me.
“Oh, well… do you want me to give you my car?”
“Okay,” and with that I got out of the car and held the door for him. He got in a drove away quickly before I could even close the door. The car swerved beautifully into the sunset, hitting everything and anything in its way.

Then, next thing I knew, I no longer had a way home for some reason. I looked around desperately for something to steal, or maybe ride away on, like a dog. Finally, I heard barking and followed it. Sure enough, there was a dog… but with a cow riding it!
“What?!” I shouted like a cow shouting moo, or a person shouting “what” at the odd sight of a cow riding a dog.
“Sorry. This seat is taken,” it said to me in its weird cow voice.
“But cows can’t ride dogs! The people invented them! Cows can ride bikes, and occasionally cars and maybe dogs, but not dogs!”
“Oh my, never have I heard a man talk so rudely to a woman before!” That is when I realized that this was not a cow, just a large, white and black spotted woman. But it was too late, she already knew too much. So, I pushed her off the dog, hopped onto its saddle and road away.

Finally I got home, where I let the dog back into the wild. It responded with a quick thanks and ran off. But, as I looked in my driveway, there stood three cows, all holding baseball bats.
“What is all this then?” I asked.
“The cows are taking over. The only reason we hadn’t yet was because our leader didn’t have a bike, but some idiot gave him a car.” And then it came to me. That idiot was probably that lady riding that dog. She seemed like an idiot to me. So I told the three cows my story. They didn’t really actually care about it and beat me with the baseball bats and then left.

There I was, lying in the hot sun on the hot pavement, with my hot body, as the cows took over the world. I couldn’t even move because (who knew?) cows are really good with baseball bats. But suddenly, I had a vision. The clouds parted and in them came down a giant face. A giant dog face to be exact and it began licking me and gave me the strength to stand.
“What are you?” I asked when it was done.
“I am you, from the future. It is your job to stop the cowpocalypse.” I then kind of understood what I had to do. Well, kind of. Okay, fine, I didn’t understand at all. But I would do it anyway. And with that, leaving dog-faced future me behind, I galloped after those baseball bat cows. Best ending sentence ever.

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